Sunday, April 12, 2009


With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where on earth did you get that banana?' -Mitch Hedberg

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. -Scott Adams

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. -Pat Paulsen

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. -E. V. Lucas

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. -Evan Esar

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. -Ambrose Bierce

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. -Victor Borge

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. -Thomas A. Edison

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. -Michael McClary

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? -George Carlin

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The next installment... Quotes 16

I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.' -Jack Handey

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. -Solomon Short

When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom! -Laurie Anderson

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. -Ellen DeGeneres

If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. -Doug Larson

Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -David Broder

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -Paul Beatty

To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so. -Robert Orben

There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -W. Somerset Maugham

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow. -Evan Esar